Singleness, Sexuality, & Biblical Friendship with Sam Allberry
In this week’s episode of The About Her Podcast, I chat with Sam Allberry about Singleness, Sexuality, and Biblical Friendship. Sam Allberry is a pastor, apologist, author and speaker. He is the author of Is God Anti-gay?, 7 Myths About Singleness, Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With?, and, most recently, What God Has to Say About Our Bodies. He has also written extensively for a variety of organizations including The Gospel Coalition and Desiring God. Perhaps what you will notice first about him is that he is also British.
Show Notes
How would you define “Singleness?”
Many men and women often assume or are led to believe that singleness is a bad thing. Is this a valid conclusion, and if not, can you provide a more biblical perspective?
Do you feel that the church has accurately and adequately addressed the topic of singleness?
If a woman was interested in doing a study on singleness in the Bible, where would you recommend turning first?
In what ways does a biblical perspective of singleness differ from a secular view of singleness?
How would you respond to a married woman who may believe that singleness is not a relevant topic for her to consider or study?
What are practical ways that married men and women can better support our single brothers and sisters?
What encouragement would you offer a woman who feels limited in her singleness?
What are practical ways you enjoy singleness? In what ways do you practically steward singleness well on a day to day basis?
A common belief held today, especially by secular society, is that we ought to do as we please sexually because a life without sex is boring and unfulfilling. How would you challenge and/or counter this view?
One of my favorite chapters in your book 7 Myths of Singleness is the chapter entitled, “Singleness Means No intimacy.” Why do you consider this a myth?
Is intimacy limited to sexual intimacy? If not, what are other ways in which men and women may experience biblical intimacy?
How does this topic of intimacy relate to biblical friendship?
How can men and women practically pursue these deep, edifying, and intimate friendships with others? What encouragement or advice would you offer to men and women who may feel that this intimacy in friendship is unfamiliar?
How has the local church/global church supported you as a single man, and in what ways would you like to see the church support other single men & women?
What are practical ways that single men and women can steward singleness for the building up of the church and furthering of God’s kingdom?
Do you see a growing trend in the church of men and women not marrying until later in life, and is there a benefit to that for the mobilization of the church?
Are there any passages of scripture or resources you turn to on days that you feel lonely?
How do you fight discontentment?
As a married woman, I often feel at a loss for how to support my single friends who do not want to be single. What advice do you have and how can I encourage these friends in a way that is actually helpful?
Notable Quotations
“Singleness is the absence of marriage but it is more than that. It is good to define it not just by the absence of something, but by the presence of something.”
“Singleness should be considered more than just being unmarried. In the same way I wouldn’t consider marriage as simply being un-single.”
“Biblically speaking there is an inherent goodness to singleness that I think would surprise many people today.”
“It is good to see singleness as the presence of that goodness, rather than just the absence of another kind of goodness.”
“We can’t say that singleness in any way depletes our experience of being human. Otherwise, we end up with a sub-human Savior.”
“We often compare the downs of singleness to the ups of marriage and we forget that there are ups of singleness and there are downs of marriage.”
“There may be a depth of intimacy I am unable to experience because I am unmarried, but there is a breadth of intimacy I am able to experience that I wouldn’t be able to if I was married.”
“There is a new family dynamic that comes about through the work of Christ.”
“There is a type of family creating that goes on as we commit ourselves to the work of the Gospel.”
“We are in anticipation of what everyone is going to be in the age to come.”
“There is a kind of spiritual parenthood that the Gospel invites us into as we seek to serve others in the work of Christ.”
“I may not be filling the Earth biologically, but I am, in one sense, fulfilling something of the Cultural Mandate by trying to fill the Earth with disciples of Jesus.”
“You are part of a body of a local church, a family, and what affects one part of the body affects the whole body. It is relevant if you belong to a body of believers that includes single people because you have a stake in them being healthy in their singleness and flourishing in their singleness.”
“I have a stake in the marriages of my church being healthy. If I hear a sermon on marriage in the church, I don’t switch off. Instead, I consider how I can encourage my married brothers and sisters. I need to learn how to help them and to pray for them.”
“Being married now is not a guarantee that you won’t be single in the future, whether through bereavement of divorce. And it is better to think through what it means to be single ahead of time, rather than when you are plunged into it in painful and tragic circumstances”
“We need to understand each other’s worlds as much as we can. We need to understand the ups and the downs in each case.”
“Not every married person is feeling smug, and not every single person is feeling bitter.”
“It is understandable to feel limited in your singleness, but it is important to remember that marriage would only present you with a different set of limitations. Whatever the limitations are, don’t miss the freedoms that come with being single as well.”
“As a single woman you are not incomplete as a Christian woman by being unmarried and not yet being a parent. You are already one hundred percent fully complete and good to go as a Chistian women who can serve and be a blessing to her sisters and brothers without having to wait until you get married. Your womanhood is already a gift.”
“There are roles in addition to being a wife and a mother.”
“There are non-interchangeable glories to being a woman and to being a man. Therefore, there is something in the interplay of male and female that all of us need.”
“We naturally recognize even outside of marriage that there is a unique interplay between male and female that enriches all of us.”
“Your Christian brothers need sisters.”
“Marriage may be the most heightened context in which that interplay becomes so life-giving, but it is not the only context in which we enrich each other with our respective femininity and masculinity.”
“There is something about a Spirit-filled woman that will be recognizably different from a Spirit-filled man. I’m not sure I can put my finger on exactly what that is other than that I know it when I see it. God has made us into two specialities.”
“If you put a lot of the Holy Spirit into a woman, what will eventually appear is biblical womanhood.”
“There may be some observable traits that we associate with men or with women in particular, but they are never exclusive to men or exclusive to women.”
“Whatever blessing sex is within the right kind of context, we can’t say that it is fundamental to experiencing fullness of life. Otherwise, we again diminish who Jesus is.”
“We are designed to be known and designed to be loved, and the Bible offers us a rich range of ways in which we can experience that which have nothing to do with sex. It also entirely possible to be having lots and lots of sex without experiencing true intimacy at all.”
“Life under the sun can be boring whether we are single or whether we are married.”
“Marriage is not meant to meet all of your relationship and emotional needs. That’s to put marriage on an idolatrous pedestal.”
“We are not going to get friendship without honesty and openness.”
“As we receive Christ’s friendship, we can begin to become the kind of friend to others that he is to us. If it really is the case that Jesus knows me through and through and it is safe for me to be known by him, that just takes down the risk level of me being known by other people.”
“The person who knows me fully is the person who loves me the most and that’s Christ. That does give me a bit of a feeling of liberty to take a few more risks with friendship because of that.”
“Real contentment is going to come from being in Christ.”
“I’m training myself to think that Jesus is wonderful all the time and I can rejoice in Him always.”
Recommended Resources
7 Myths About Singleness by Sam Allberry
Is God Anti-Gay? by Sam Allberry
Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With? by Sam Allberry
What God Has to Say About Our Bodies by Sam Allberry
Redeeming Singleness by Barry Danylak
Single Minded by Kate Wharton
God of All Things by Andrew Wilson
Jesus Lover of My Soul by Julian Hardyman
Scripture References
Matthew 19
1 Corinthians 7
Isaiah 53
Genesis 2
Matthew 28:20
Genesis 1
1 Thessalonians 2:7
John 15:15
Song of Songs
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